not your type, however.......

.























At the office we had a splurge of orders that cleaned out most of the stock and then gradually Miss Crippin's work tapered off to just forwarding the mail. For over a week we idled the hours away in each other's company. I was full of radical ideas, wanting to discuss books and the news of the day, the theater, a thousand things. None of it interested her, as she was involved with her religion, really trying to live up to its mores. Yet in spite of our differences, it was a wonderful time. It seems impossible but there it was. We really beamed at each other each morning. True, she never wore anything under her skirt, but that was the only concession. Her sexual need was in a logic-tight compartment that made her seem to have a dual personality, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the companionship that's possible for people with no like interests that sometimes reaches the stage of great beauty, of complete openness, of steadfast warmth, when all signs show it to be patently impossible.

-excerpt from A Heaven in the Eye, by Clyde Rice



It is the only book that my father and I ever shared, I reading it first and purchasing a paperback copy for him one Father's Day (the only gift I ever sent him during the only year we ever corresponded). He wrote that he loved it, but I knew that he would based on similarities he and the author had regarding a strong identification with specific place-names and a gutter-hot feeling for the women in their lives. If he hadn't drowned in the bottle my father might have written a first novel at 81-years of age as Clyde Rice did. Heaven knows he had the talent, and a gritty collection of keen and ironic observations to feed it.



*Information added after original posting: A Heaven in the Eye may be purchased from the Friends of Clyde Rice website.



art: Office at Night, Edward Hopper
.

Eino: a poem

With publication of this poem in my blog I free myself of all anger concerning my father, Eino.

I am awash in peace and forgiveness after having reeled him in to this space, where, over the past six days, I've taken a hard, honest (and, surprising to me: loving) look at him. Now I'm releasing him.

Truly, this is the first Father's Day that I recall feeling untangled. Thank you for sharing it with me, friends.



Eino

Finland won't claim your bones
when your last mocking whimper
flutters Her tongue.

America, where your parents sailed to bear you,
which you criss-crossed on trains and railed against
has soil in Her belly to digest your shell.

Thus eternity will absorb you, my father,
and your children may test peaceful waters
without endless ripples from your
stony negligence.

Heathen of my heart, maybe you loved me
when my letters came, when I sent books
to open up your boozy cage -
when I traveled to see you one last time.

Evenings now hang your face in the dark -
your watered red eyes, your monster walk -
and shaking hands reach through the night
to violate me again.

Ransom me and let the memory
be planted with your other horrors;
omit my name from your final plea,
your first prayer.

(copyright 1986: MLydiaM)

All American Dad

Here he is: my father. In this picture he's in his early 20's. He gave the photo to my mother sometime during the seven or so years they were together before I was born. On the back she wrote his name, Eino, and added "My woodchopper." That astonishing caption is indicative of her equally astonishing love for the man. She saw something in him that was never really there, similar to mistaking an iron pipe for a woodcutter's ax...

He was a first-generation American, the son of hardworking Finnish immigrants. I blogged about his mother here. They deserved better than what they got from him as a son. He was drinking by the time he was 15, he never held a steady job in his hometown of Duluth, Minnesota, and after he rode the rails (yes, a real hobo) to the west coast he never held a steady job in any of the cities he lived in there either. He met my mother in Lafayette, California, where he was working as a dishwasher and when he told her he was a "pearl diver" she actually thought it was adorable. She fell so hard for him, she with the devout Christian Science upbringing who didn't even know what the word alcoholic meant.

The two of them went to Lake Tahoe where they lived and worked for a few seasons before heading to Reno, where she worked in the casinos and he drank and loafed. After years together I came along and they married when I was three weeks old. A month later, my mother returned to their small apartment one morning after a long shift dealing cards and found him passed out in a chair with his cigarette burned through his t-shirt into his chest. He was loosely holding me in the crook of one arm and I was asleep.

Gritty details form a bridge from that part of the story to his departure by bus from Reno to Duluth two weeks later. She saved me, but my mother also carried a torch for him until she died at 85. That's love.